“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” – Romans 12:15
Is it easy or difficult for you to listen to a friend or family member express deep emotions?
The most common challenge people have is not knowing what to say to someone who is in pain. When we don’t know what to say, we may err on the side of avoiding the person. Maybe we are afraid of making them cry or we fear not knowing how to respond. We may choose not to ask them how things are going so we won’t have to struggle with the right words. These actions may make sense to us, but to the hurting person, it can feel very lonely. Struggling with pain feels very isolating.
It’s okay if you don’t know what to say. Whatever you say will not change the person’s circumstances. You cannot fix it for them. You cannot make them get over whatever it is they are feeling. God is the One who fixes and cures people. There is freedom in knowing it’s not up to you or me to make it all better. There IS something you and I CAN do. Be present with that person. It’s okay to ask them, “How are you doing?” Then listen. Don’t worry about what to say. Don’t formulate your next words. Just listen. Sit with that person.
I have been a Stephen Minister in caring ministries for 16 years. I have sat, listened, and been present in many situations including grief, divorce, illness, addiction, hospital visits, and hospice. There have been many circumstances when I felt helpless and didn’t know what to say or do. I remember being at the hospital visiting an older friend who was approaching her final days, and I was silently asking God, “What am I supposed to do?” So I sat alongside her hospital bed holding her hand, listening to her tell me about her fears. Then she became silent and started quietly crying. I sat in silence, looking down at the floor while she cried. I chose to look at the floor instead of her so she would feel comfortable crying and not feel like I was staring at her. Because I didn’t know what to say, I waited in silence until she spoke the first word. I became comfortable with silence. I did not try to fill the silence with words, because in that space of quiet is where she was processing her emotions. Silence allowed her to work through those feelings of anguish without the distraction of my words.
As I prepared to leave, she told me how much she appreciated my patience and acceptance in allowing her to be silent. She said my presence meant so much to her because most people aren’t comfortable sitting quietly. While she was grateful, I was surprised, because I felt like I hadn’t done anything. I learned a valuable lesson that day about the power of being present and the work of silence.
Never underestimate the power of being present for someone. Even if your time with that person is just for a moment. It’s not our words that matter; it’s our presence. It’s our willingness to sit with them and allow them to feel, to talk, to be silent, and to be right where they are. Being present is an impactful way to show care and to let someone know they are not alone in their pain.